"But Jesus called them unto him, and said,
Suffer little children to come unto me,
and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God"
Luke 18:16
Monday, January 30, 2006 two beautiful rainbows we could see from our front porch. Mommy and Daddy sat with our neighbors Melissa and Rob. It was right after “retreat” at about 5 p.m. that Melissa asked me if I felt less movement from you now that you were so close to being due. I replied “yeah, right”. That was because the night before we put the headset on my belly and you beat my insides to the sound of jazz. But the more I thought about your movements the more I thought “you know, I really don’t remember Ethan moving at all today”. So I poked and prodded you but you didn’t poke back like usual. I ran to get the CD player and played the same jazz music, but you didn’t respond. Not even when I played loud obnoxious stuff from the radio. I started to get a little nervous and told Daddy that I couldn’t get you to move. I tried orange juice and lying down for a while. Still nothing. Daddy tried talking to you to get you to kick his nose, but you didn’t do that either. I told Daddy I wanted to try one more thing then we’d call Dr. Sekhar. So I went upstairs to run hot water on my belly, then cold. That always got you moving. But this time, nothing. I kept telling myself that I was being paranoid. I called the doctor and he said to come to the Women’s Center.
We left Jordy Bug and bubba with Rob and Melissa and we headed to the hospital. On our way I called Grandpa Rick and Grandma Debbie to let them know we couldn’t get you to move and we were going to the hospital. Then we called Grandma Julie. She was real scared, because she’s known of a few people who’ve recently lost their babies.
The nurse who took us back to our room tried to find your heart beat with the Doppler. She tried for about ten minutes then said “I'm going to get the ultrasound machine so you don’t have to keep waiting”. Dr. Shah came in with another nurse and started the sonogram. Both nurses kept quiet and no one, not even Daddy, would look at me. Daddy sat holding my hand, fixed, watery eyes on the screen. I knew then you were gone. I kept mouthing, “it’s God’s will”, over and over. And immediately a song started playing in my head- "this is the day, this is the day, that the Lord has made, that the Lord has made, I will rejoice, I will rejoice, and be glad in it"! Such love God was showering me with already. Dr. Shah kept asking if I've had bleeding or cramping or anything unusual, and I could only tell him, “no”. Dr. Sekhar came in to try the ultrasound out. He asked all the same questions. In all, they tried to find your heartbeat for about an hour. Dr. Sekhar looked devastated and said, “I'm so sorry Melissa. I don’t know why this has happened. It looks like he might have clamped the cord at sometime, but we won’t know for sure until you deliver”. I asked “so what do we do now?” He said “we will let you rest tonight and check you in the morning and start pitocin at six a.m. But right now we’ll do blood work and let you have some time alone together”. Daddy and I held each other and cried. We had to make some phone calls we didn’t want to make.
We called Grandma Terri first. She could call Pastor Miller and have everyone start praying for us. The pastor came at about seven that night. Grandma Terri left bible study early to come see us. The pastor prayed, a comforting prayer, with all of us before he left. Then Grandma Shirley and Martha came after bible study at about eight p.m. Not long after that, we had to move to the labor and delivery room. So, we all walked down to the room. Then they came to draw blood, and at about ten thirty p.m., all our visitors left. Daddy and I tried to get rest that night, but between contractions and knowing we lost you, it was hard. The hardest part of labor, was seeing your body move inside me every time I contracted. It was the cruelest thing, my body could do to me.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006 at six a.m., they started the pitocin. A little while later, the pastor came in to check on us. At about eight a.m., Dr. Sekhar came and checked me, and I was two cm dilated and he broke my water. He didn’t say much, but when he left, the nurse said my water was really all blood, and that instead of a cord injury, it looks like a placental abruption. Ethan, Mommy felt so horrible to know your whole body was surrounded by blood. I’m so sorry you suffered that. I don’t know why my body did this to you.
Grandma Terri came by around nine a.m., after taking Jordy to Grandma Shirley’s house. She had brought a few things we asked her to get for you. She brought all of the shirts I made you and your brother and your sister. She brought the kit to do your foot and hand prints also. Donna came by a little later and brought us flowers. Then Daddy’s co worker, Jeremy, came by at about ten a.m. Daddy left, at about eleven a.m., to go home and get a few things, like the quilt I made you and the Pooh outfit your brother and sister wore when they were babies. Daddy also brought in your diaper bag and baby book I made you, from the car. Miranda came in to say “hi” at around noon. Shari brought in a book, she bought for us to read to Austin and Jordy, about how things die. We thought it'd be good for them to hear, in hopes they might understand more, about why you died. The nurse kept upping the pitocin and contractions became more painful. I was two doses below the maximum dosage before I asked for pain medication. About an hour after, I was ready to push. I don’t remember the contractions or pressure being as bad with Austin and Jordan. I only pushed a few long pushes and in between I asked about your hair. Kyra, our nurse, joked that you had a lot and more than Dad! We also joked how the pain medicine made me so dopey that I called Dr. Sekhar “the man in the white coat”. Dr. Sekhar got a little upset that I couldn’t remember his name after almost four years.
Finally, at 3:23 p.m., the moment came for us to meet you. Daddy cut the cord and they laid you on my belly. I can remember saying how beautiful you were, and thinking I can’t believe I'm finally holding you, but I’m going to have to give you up. You had such chubby cheeks. You were so warm from being in me. Daddy and I helped clean you with the blanket you were in. Daddy took some pictures. Dr. Sekhar delivered the placenta and it was completely intact. He let the nurses tend to me while he stood by me, rubbing my arm and trying to comfort Daddy and I. He said the placenta had shot off a blood clot into the amniotic fluid with you sometime while I slept early Monday. He said he didn’t know why or how, but it was some fluke thing. Dr. Sekhar and the nurses left for a little while and we held and cried over you. Then the nurses came to weigh and measure you and give you a bath in the sink. Daddy put your diaper on you, and he laid you on the quilt I made, and we took a few pictures. We put your “baby brother Ethan” shirt on you and took more pictures. Daddy was dressing you in the Pooh outfit, at about 5:30 p.m., when Rick, Carole and Marge came in. Marge looked most shocked, but they all weren’t expecting for you to have been born yet. Carole helped Daddy dress you. The nurse took you shortly after that to have your hospital pictures taken. It was hard to see you wheeled out, but I knew we’d see you again in a few minutes. They brought a preview of your picture when you came back. Our visitors left and we had some alone time with you until Grandma Terri and Grandpa John brought bubba and sister to see you. We had the nurse take you out, so we could tell them you died, and read the book Shari got, to them. I asked them if they still wanted to see you and they both said yes. I showed them your picture to prepare them. Daddy went to get you. Bubba held you first and said, “his skin is so cold”. He was heartbroken. He wanted to help you grow up. Sister kept saying she wanted you. She held you and was afraid to give you a kiss because, “he have blood on hims lips”. But she kissed you still. They wound your lamb for you and it played, “Jesus Loves Me”. Grandma Terri and Grandpa John came in to see and hold you. You were only held in loving arms while on this earth. We took more pictures of us as a family. Daddy, bubba, sister and Grandpa John went to get Daddy and I some food. When they were in the car, Jordan broke down saying, “me sad me not have a baby brother Ethan anymore”. Pastor Andy came to see and hold you. He prayed over us, and when he did, Austin cried for the first time and sister started to also. They knew it was the last time they’d hold you. Pastor Andy left and then Grandma Shirley came. When bubba and sister were getting ready to leave, I told Austin he didn’t have to go to school the next day, but he really wanted to talk to his teacher, so he said he wanted to go still. I gave him the picture of you, that the nurse gave us. Later, Grandma Terri said he showed the picture to the lady at Mc Donald’s and said, “that’s my baby brother Ethan. He’s dead”. I guess later that night, before bed, he changed his mind and didn’t want to go to school the next day. After they left, Jennifer and Andy came to see and hold you. Grandma Shirley held you while they cut some of your hair for us to keep. Grandma Shirley left soon after that and Andy and Jennifer stayed until about ten p.m.
After they left, we had the nurses undress you and wrap you in just your blankets. We let them know that it might be soon that we let you go, because you had deteriorated so badly by then. When we turned the light off, the blue hue from the computer left you looking alive! Because of that, I slept cheek to cheek with you the whole night. I wish now that I would’ve kept you longer. I told Daddy, I thought it best for you to go, before “real” light, shown on your bruised face. Ethan, it was so hard to say our final good-bye. It was about 6:35 a.m. and we kissed you and Daddy lay you in the bassinet. We sobbed uncontrollably, and held each other, as they wheeled you out. I will never forget, how that felt to know, we’d never see or touch your wonderfully, perfect body again.
The person to draw my blood, was rudely knocking at the door, while Daddy and I hugged and cried. We stayed that way, as she drew blood. Pastor Miller and Martha, came in a little later to see how we were. They left, and Daddy went to get himself some breakfast. After that, Dr. Sekhar came and sat with me on the little sofa in the room. He wanted to reassure me, that there was nothing I could have done to cause your death, or prevent it. Daddy came in, and Dr. Sekhar encouraged us some more, then left us to get ready to be discharged. The nurse came in, to give us your blankets, and surprised us with a molding of your little foot. They had done it right before they took you to the morgue. Daddy called the funeral home while I took a shower. After that, we waited to find out when we’d get your pictures back, and waited to be discharged. Miranda came by for a few minutes before we left. After leaving the hospital, we headed straight for Heritage Funeral Home, to make the arrangements for your body to be cremated. The most real part was when Ken, a friend from church, took us into the room with the urns. I just broke down and cried, “I’m not supposed to be here for my baby.” Your little body was cremated on February 1, 2006 and we brought you home on February 3, 2006. Your memorial service was on February 10, 2006 at 6:30 p.m., and we had so many people come and support us. Ethan, you were loved by so many people, who never even got the chance to see you. You will forever live in our hearts and we will always feel your spirit around us. We all love and miss you terribly.
Love,
Mommy and Daddy, Austin, Jordan and little sis Davlyn
"I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears:
behold, I will heal thee"
2 Kings 20:5
